i am kristy

[fact] my God loves me

i literally cannot see anything outside my window, the rain and haze is thick and hangs outside my window like a blanket... since there's nothing outside to see, what else can you do but look inside.

inside...

lately, its been somewhat of a void. an empty vessel longing for some breathe of life, even an ounce of some energy to run through the veins and make it remember why its here. sadly it knows where to go, but the struggles of knowing and doing is a constant battle within the mind of laziness, guilt, shame, apathy and fear. turn to the source. it's hard, i know. knowing what to do sometimes and yet not wanting to do it out of automation, simply returning to the default. restore factory settings the label says. it shouldn't be like that. but more so about wanting to have that real passion and desire to want more. that's the difference, the desire, the longing, knowing that there is more than this. but what is here now is not bad, not bad at all. just need to realise that it's only part of what there is to be. one step a long the way. there's more to come. much more ahead. be thankful.

[ok]

time. i missing it. it's passing me by, and moving on too fast that i can't seem to keep up. constantly two steps behind.

just stop for a moment. let me catch my breathe. will it wait for me or just keep going on. it seems to do that.

always wanting more and can never get enough. we all have the same amount of it and are the only ones that can decide how to spend it. help me to know that i am where i am, and that it's the right place for me now.

hmm just read my posts from this time last year and the year before

2005 - recently back in HK. settling back into the home, trying to find a job, growing leg hair, CNY hike...

2006 - just did the half-marathon haa the pain

and now? well i've been in my job for nearly 2 years... have a new title as 'project manager', i'm training a new person [hopefully to take over my role, so i could leave if i wanted to] though i just got a raise! wohoo which is good as it'll pay for all my holidays: newyork+nacadogches, leading a missions team into china this easter [4 canadians + 1 kiwi... so far. need a mandarin speaker!], then LA+vancouver+edmonton for mel's wedding and hopefully going to see gwen stefani while we're there. and that's only the next 5 months! sooo exciting im so tired i can hardly sleep!!

the coolest thing is that those years ago who would have known it would be like this? not i.. which makes the next few years sound cool, cuz it's just going to get better!

ohh i just switched to the new blog style which links to your gmail... google is pretty amazing! i think i fancy it, a lot. wow thanks for your comments, i do feel loved as i didn't think ppl even checked this anymore, well unless you have one of those things which tell you when someone has blogged

so back to the title and my current status, if you're not chinese it's a really really hard thing to explain. basically i know when i am yeet hei is when i get mouth ulcers and i'm constantly parched and tired, it's brought on by stress and lack of sleep and not eating well. it effects your whole body and your system is really weak. is there an english equivilant? we've had many a discussion on this topic and what it means in english but to this day still have not found a satisfying answer [strange that]

on another note it's 9 days (i had to pause and count my fingers) til i go to New York and TX!! i'm soooo super excited you don't understand. i just wanna go NOW! but know that there's lots of work to do before i go.. alas back to reality for a few more days and then i'll be off. i think the best things about this trip is going to newyork and seeing my sis+tim, and THEN the very next day I fly to houston to see abbey whom i haven't seen in over 2 years! ohmigosh it's been that long!! ohhh I'm suddenly a little nervous... what if 'things' are different?! hah well we know that since there's a brett in her life so I can't wait to hear all about him, yesyes hun you have to update me all about that and i'm looking forward to finally going to java jacks! all those years of hearing about it, so i'll finally get to get to have my moment with it. and i plan to have a moment [or two] and spend the weekend with her and her wonderful family. is aunt D gonna be there? I think she lives somewhere else... and since abs has to work something, i'll head back to snowy cold newyork to wander the urban raw streets in downtown and the little boutiques and cafes in soho, go through second hand stores and spend the days reading in bookstores and cafes and watch steam rise from the gratings and eat hotdogs with lots of onions+sauce... hmm and i don't even like hotdogs!

oh well maybe that among other things on this trip will be the adventure!

I can't believe I've left this site for so long.. poor thing, I think everyone's forgotten about now. which means I have the 'freedom' of writing whatever I feel like without thinking that there would actually be an audience. which is a funny way to start this off again, as that's how I started blogging

Anyway... I've come along way since then. matured in some ways, grown in others, realised more things about myself than I would admit, as I have been in denial about some things. Hmm it's funny how you come to a point when you have to let everything go of what you know and have known and be completely abandoned to something, someone higher than yourself. For me, this realisation has come after a 21day of fasting+prayer. Though I confess that I didn't and wasn't strong enough, nor disciplined enough to stick through it the full 21 days... but that's besides the point. The areas I fasted, which thankfully didn't include coffee or chocolate the usual things I would do, but were other significant areas of my life which were actually more difficult than I thought they would be. From that time of denial of my sleep-ins, friends (I'll explain that) and shopping I've discovered truths in myself that had been hiding.

Soo you fasted friends, you laugh? It was a funny thing to fast, but at the time I was so completely challenged by God that if I really wanted Him, and loved Him, why wouldn't I give up my friends just to be with him? It was only for 21days anyway... the three things He asked me straight in the face were:

1. I choose you. do you choose me?
2. I pick you. do you pick me?
3. I love you. do you love me?

and hence I chose to give up the time I'd spend with friends, and other things I did to pre-occupy my time, or distract me to be with Him. Though throughout the three weeks, I ended up spending more time watching MGM and spent more time on facebook and the likes... making up for physical friendships I had choosen to go without. Sigh... but despite all that and my weaknesses, God is good and patient and chose to reveal things to me and not just more of himself, but more about me.

Its kinda hard to say what I've been going through, I can't even try to put it in words, but the feeling is there and it's real and I know that each day is a new one, where I can spend getting to know My Lord and just know Him. It's not about what I can do and what I've done or going to do for Him, He knows that already, but what he really wants is just me. That's it. And it's been a real eye-opener and soul-stretching time to just accept that. And as I continue to struggle in my flesh of wanting to prove myself through my works and justify the blessings and gifts that are given to me, God whispered to me last night"Abide in me and I will abide in you."


That's all I have to do... and that's what I'm going to do this year and from now on